Marital Bliss (sort of)

Marital Bliss (sort of)

Did you know...my husband and I got engaged after dating for less than 5 months. At the age of 19. And we are still happily married 17+ years later. And the only reason he waited so long to ask me was because he was afraid he would scare me. Stranger yet, we barely knew each other before our first date and practically moved in together that day. And we haven't been apart (save a few mini vacations or business trips) since. 

I know this story is not the norm, but when we got together I really thought "we were different."

But doesn't EVERY couple say that? No one gets married thinking that will soon be a divorce statistic. 

Of course, everything hasn't been perfect. We fight, disagree...probably an average amount. 

Sometimes we make the most amazing team and sometimes we have to agree to disagree and walk away. 

One of the scariest things for me in marriage is growing. Every day for 17+ years we have each been having different experiences - or perceived the same experience differently. Lots of growth has happened for each of us over 17 years. We are not the same people that got married half our lives ago.  And each shift, change and decision has the potential to bring us closer or further apart. And then there's the stagnation - areas where one of us hasn't grown at all (or barely) in 17 years - which can cause disappointment and frustration for one or both parties as well. 

I may be young, and I'm far from an expert, but 17 years is a long time to be with one person these days. And to say we are still happy is a pretty amazing accomplishment. Over the years I've learned a lot, but the 2 things* that I think are the most important are:

1) Allow. Allow your spouse to be who they are. Allow them to have their own experience. Allow them to have their own journey. Allow them to have their own life. You married them for who they are, not because they are your mirror. They have gifts and experiences that complement yours. You are each amazing beings, but together your skills combine and can be unstoppable...IF you allow all of the combined skills, values, and beliefs to have value and purpose. 

and

2) Whenever there is an issue, never forget to ask yourself "What kind of spouse am I?"  It can often be easy to see the fault in others or avoid looking at our own contribution to problems. But if we take a moment to consider how we may be:

• unfair
• part of the problem
• not contributing to a solution
• focusing on the negative
• not seeing all the possibilities
• not seeing the gifts in others
• withholding love
• lacking acceptance

We may realize the other person is not as much at fault as we initially thought.

Long story, short? The idea that marital bliss - gloriously happy marriage without effort - is possible is complete false (if you ask me). However, anything of value requires effort and is worth fighting for.   And by taking these simple steps above when the issues are small, I think we can avoid ever running into the big stuff that takes marriages down. 

Thanks for being here.

Beth
www.secondnaturehealthcoaching.com 

* Obvious, I hope this goes without say, but these rules are for healthy relationships and do not apply to abusive situations.